Drop Out

Last month, I dropped out of my postgraduate course. 

I posted in February about how the children were struggling emotionally... for one of them in particular, mental health has been an ever increasing concern, and it got to the point where I was unable to go into my placement. My course depends heavily on practical work, and while the providers were willing to give me all the leeway they could, I eventually had to acknowledge that there was no way I could complete it.

It's not something parents can talk about, just out of respect for their child's privacy, but mental health issues that impact the rest of the family happen more often than I knew. It's terrifying, because you don't really know what it means, how long it will last or where it will lead. Parental guilt gets ramped right up, because obviously, this is Your Fault. Still, all you can do is deal with it as best you can. In our case, that means I have to be a stay-at-home Mum again, and make the family my priority.

There's often a societal assumption that women who do this are satisfied with their "choice". They do it because they don't really want to work, they'd rather stay at home and are, in part, using their children as an excuse. After all, if they really cared about their career, they'd find a way to pursue it regardless. There are so many examples of mothers who battled the odds to succeed in their chosen field.

Or there's the assumption that although the mother is making a sacrifice, seeing her children thrive is fulfillment enough. In years to come, the grateful child will talk about the mother who gave everything to see that they had a good life, we can all raise a glass to her as a hero, and feel complacent that she has been given due respect.

For the vast majority of women who find themselves in this sort of situation, either assumption is harmful: they're reasons not to help.

Therefore, I would like to make it very clear that I wanted to complete my course. I'm passionate about Early Years, I'm terrified about what this might mean for my future employment prospects and I've always been happier and more self-confident when I'm working, even if only for a few hours a week.

But I'm the one who made the call that the family would come and live here. If the children need extra support just to cope with their new lives, I have to take full responsibility for that. In our case, that means putting my career back on hold.

 And what of those omnipresent anecdotal examples of women who worked/studied full-time and raised children on their own? Well, every situation has different issues and different resources... or perhaps it's a situation where the mother literally has no option but to put her employment first, because the family needs her income. Unfortunately, a lot of the time, that means she (knowingly) has to put the child in a detrimental situation so that she can work—possibly in a field that is not what she's really interested in.

My relevant resource: Spousal maintenance, which lets me get by without my own salary in the short term. I hate depending on that, but it would be irresponsible of me to ignore it.

Relevant issue #1: Covid, which has overloaded the mental health system. I naively assumed that once we were in the system, I could let the professionals take care of things. Instead, I have to constantly chase people up and coordinate the various support elements to make sure we are moving forwards in a sensible direction...

Relevant issue #2: my ADD. Keeping up with the support system is exhausting on its own. Coursework then demanded I switch the brain over to devising a learning sequence on composition of number for four year olds, etc. That switch was a struggle; focusing on actual day-to-day parenting proved impossible. My anxiety and the children's started feeding off each other, the house became increasingly chaotic, and the to-do list piled ever upwards. So I dropped the course, and shifted my mental power and time to our home-life. 

When the family's mental health has improved enough I'll resume the employment hunt. The long term intention is to attempt my course again and hopefully complete it on the second try. A friend of mine who did something similar told me she took three attempts to pass her own course. Twice, she had to drop out due to issues with her children. She wasn't even a single mother!

A note to all couples where one partner is taking time off from their career to focus on having / raising children. If at all possible, plan to have a couple of years where that partner can have their career take priority, and the other partner becomes the primary caregiver, the one who stays home as needed or otherwise manages the parenting miscellany (i.e. keeping the kids in the correct size clothes, arranging their social lives and taking them to appointments.) Even if the stay-at-home partner is only going back to work part-time and/or on minimal income, give them practical support until they've got well started. They've earned it.

As for me, at least my professional skills are transferable when it comes to working on self-care for the family. I don't necessarily know what I'm doing, but I do have a plan. The children have had enough of "Things will get better," so this is a summer of "Things are better." We're doing those things we keep saying we'll do but never get around to. From re-starting the children's tennis lessons to renting a row boat for a half day and having a picnic on the canal.

Self-care, boat-style

As per usual, that's our life: some things are worse and some things are better; some things will get worse and some things will get better. But our life goes on, and I want us to live it.