Untangling Mental Health, Part 1: Depression and Anxiety.

It's World Mental Health day, and my own mental health has been a big issue ever since the breakdown of my marriage. Over the past two years, I've seen firsthand how mental health issues feed into each other and how the obvious solutions are never as straightforward as they seem.

I wanted to write a post unpicking my own mental health... the issues I face, the factors that contribute to them, and the effects they have. But that very quickly ran insanely long, World Mental Health Day is almost over, and I'm not going to help my own mental health by burning the midnight oil to get this completed.

So I'm going to run this over a few days instead. I'll start with the one that needs the least explanation:

GRIEF

Everything relating to my children's father continues to be one massive fallout zone of depression and anxiety. It's been almost two years since he left me, and the half-life of these emotions remains unknown. Fortunately, the panic attacks are much reduced, but the anxiety still triggers other issues, such as insomnia and ADD. I have bouts of crying, almost at random, but the more insidious effect of depression is on my self-esteem.

Solution 1: Avoidance
I've put figurative biohazard tape around the entire area of the kids' dad. I don't talk to him more than I can help, I don't ask about him, I don't talk to other people about him.

... Except my children. I kind of have to, even if they're emotionally intelligent enough to avoid the subject. And, obviously, they have to continue seeing their father. They Facetime him every night before they go to bed. He and I have to coordinate about things relating to them, including him visiting.

Inevitably, he's going to remain an ongoing presence in my life, so I still have to deal with the results of those emotions. 


Solution 2: Get on with my life
As devastating as the failed marriage is, there are many other aspects to my life. If I invest in these, they should flourish and overwhelm the negative emotions associated with the kids' father.

Our particular situation was the problem here: we were living in a country where I didn't have a work permit and would lose my visa in the event of a divorce. (Our plan had always been to return to the UK and raise the kids there.) I couldn't just get on with my life because I had to scrap it and start over: no marriage; no home; no job; no friends.

The last three have been my to-do list since The Move in June. I thought I'd be able to have them well under way by the end of summer. I wasn't even close.

In part, I underestimated how much needed to be done once we reached the UK; In part, I underestimated how much my ADD would slow me down. I'll save the elaborations on that for Part 2.