Untangling Mental Health, Part 4: Social Anxiety

Part 1: Depression and Anxiety
Part 2: ADD
Part 3: Apathy

I’m a hardcore introvert. I also worry far too much about what other people think of me. I’m socially awkward to start with and I’m not good at picking up on social cues. Except for some very close friends, every social interaction comes with the stress that I'm going to get it wrong. That I'm going to be judged.

This includes things that you might not consider to be social interactions. Such as calling or emailing a professional service (e.g. doctor’s appointments, asking my landlord a question, etc.). Or sending out a CV.

That last one is terrifying.

When we were dealing with infertility, we went with IVF over adoption. There were multiple reasons, but one was because adoption would mean filling out an application form and letting unknown individuals judge my worth. With IVF, I only had to worry about dozens of people seeing me naked and shoving medical equipment up my vagina. So much easier.

There’s no way around the Panel Of Judgment for a job though. I do have to send out my CV, and I have to psyche myself up to it each and every time. There’s an episode of Friends where Rachel sends out something like 100 CVs in a day. Do normal people actually do that? I’m doing well if I get out three, and then I need to go and do something else to take my mind off it.

At the start of summer, I tried signing up for LinkedIn, but that was even worse. I was filling out a career profile for everybody to see: not just strangers, but people I knew. Acquaintances. I lasted a few hours before I attempted to switch my profile to private. Three months later, I'm still getting daily emails telling me how many profile views I've had and asking if X, Y or Z (who I emailed once) is a contact.

LinkedIn has become a very personal nightmare, and I've not had the nerve to go back to the site since July. I'm pretty sure an inactive profile is worse than no profile, and I should probably just delete my account, but that would mean facing back up to it, and I don't want to. Procrastination and inertia again.

(You might wonder how I can be so panicky about being judged and yet be so candid on a public blog. This blog was partly built as a way of facing up to that fear, but it's also a freeform expression where I can explain myself as fully as I need to. Besides, I'm well aware that my explanations lead to a Too Long; Didn't Read reaction and that's a shield in itself.)

On the whole, I don't actually mind what strangers think of me. And I have faith that most of my friends know and love me enough to deal with my flaws. The difficult part is the swathe between friends and strangers. The acquaintances... from the Mums in the school yard, to our vets, to the people I'm reaching out to with my CV. The ones where I don't know if they like me but I do have to interact with them.

Problem: Isolation

The stereotype of the introvert is that they prefer being alone, but that's false. I like some solitary time, particularly when "my head's full" as I describe it, but I also thrive on company. Humans are evolved to be social creatures and I'm no exception. It's more accurate to say that as an introvert, I don't want the spotlight and I can get tired out trying to sustain a conversation, but I'm often happier watching other people than I am being alone. Living alone has always been a recipe for depression.

Since having the kids, I've craved adult company, or more accurately, social interactions that I don't have to be switched on for. Social interactions where I can let somebody else be the driving force and just go along for the ride. One of my biggest regrets from my marriage is how often I told my husband that he should go out while I sat at home to save the cost of a babysitter. It made me more depressed while convincing my husband that I preferred staying at home to doing the things he enjoyed... to doing things with him.

Once my husband left and I could no longer fool myself that he was filling that social gap for me, I became more conscientious about going out regularly if not frequently. I built up my own support network of friends who were happy to take the social lead. Going out with them built up new self-images for me: I like doing this; I am somebody who does that.

I lost that support network once I left the States. My old insecurities have started hitting hard again, and I find myself spending too much time in my own head.

Solution: Make friends.

The problem I have with building up a new support group is my inability (or insecurity over my ability) to read social situations. That and my social anxiety makes me reluctant to open up to people. How do I know if I'm over-sharing? How do I know if they care or are just being polite? How do you transition from acquaintance to friend?

This has a heavy influence on how I use social media as I often find it easier to broadcast rather than address a specific person. I make a comment or ask a question on Facebook, and only people who are interested will respond. I can pour my heart out in this blog, and anybody who doesn't want to deal with my navel-gazing can ignore it—yet sometimes it resonates with people who I wouldn't have expected to be interested in my ramblings.

That doesn't help me figure out what's appropriate to dump on the neighbours or the Mums in the school yard though--especially when I know they don't need me as a friend. They have friends and commitments already. They don't need to take a depressed person on board. That's my insecurity talking, but it's not false either.

Oddly enough, I find it much easier to get a date. The beauty of online dating apps is that the intention (if not the finer details) is pre-set. We matched because we are interested in each other and we're talking because we're looking for a date. I'm less concerned about asking questions or bringing more complex subjects up, since a date pre-supposes that we want to get to know each other and our respective values. I can be less afraid of causing offence.

Solution 2: Get a hobby. And make friends.

This is something else I've been procrastinating on, partly because it would involve researching some sort of club ahead of time and making contact. I'll keep on saying "I must look into that," but in practice, it probably won't happen until I've cleared up a lot of the career research and contacting.

Full disclosure, I will make friends eventually. I know all the neighbours to some extent, and there are a couple of Mums who also often walk down my route to the school. One of those Mums, in particular, I feel like I'm clicking with. It's just going to take me some time to get a proper social circle again. Until then, all my social engagements will be with my parents, my children or a date.


And that effectively concludes this series on my personal mental health situation. I could go on, I could cover a dozen of the idiosyncrasies that make me my dizzy, impractical self, but Depression, Anxiety, ADD, Apathy and Social Anxiety are the broad strokes of why, almost four months after I moved, I still don't have a job or friends.

All of this is an explanation. It's not an excuse. I'm not trying to get out of doing this. I'm not asking for somebody else to do it for me. (Though if you do have a magic wand solution, I'm all ears.) I will get there, I'm working on it... but this is why it's going to take so much time.